Online Dating Adventures: Must Love God and maybe Two-Stepping!

I’ve been on two dates this week.  Two different men. I’m looking for long-term compatibility, so I want to be sure before I commit to someone in a relationship.

I learned so much from both.

Tuesday I went ice skating as a first date. But honestly, I left after 20 minutes. New record! That’s all the details I will give– suffice to say I felt no attraction or compatibility.

Wednesday I went on a second date for dinner. And although on paper we were a 95 percent match, it was clear to me we had nothing to sustain a relationship. He was sweet, cute, stylish. Well- established with both a home and an SUV. A great career. He seemed to be a wonderful father. But we had honestly spent most of our first date nearly arguing– we had so little in common. I had tried to end the date then but he asked me that we both give each other “the benefit of the doubt”– especially about one key issue: religion. He suggested we exchange phone numbers. Something in me softened. I relented. I wanted to know him. We texted the next few days, and he sent me cute and funny GIFS. He was available and eager to see me. All wonderful things.

On his profile he had listed himself as “other religion”– but identified himself as Atheist in person on the first date. I reasoned that he might be respectful and somehow there was a middle ground. Also, we are both passionate Democrats and I wanted to believe somehow that might supersede the chasm between us theologically. How wonderful would it be to share THAT with someone in this overwhelmingly RED state of Kansas?! But I need to learn to just draw a hard line with religion. Sometimes I rationalize it because I find someone charming and a relationship seems like such a comforting idea. I begin to question choosing to be single because I want a Catholic husband. Do I really need it? But the bigger problem is, I could never live with a man who fundamentally disrespects such a vital aspect of my identity. I’ve already endured the condescending remarks. I want someone to be WITH me at Mass. Sitting next to me, kneeling and receiving Holy Communion. I could MAYBE attempt an inter-faith relationship, if they were willing to go with me. Or at least with someone who BELIEVES or is open to converting. But deep in my heart, I want another Catholic. Because it’s not just about sharing that aspect of our lives, but that I want a partner who will help me grow in MY faith. Who has prayed for a wife, who has prayed to one day meet me– just as I have prayed for him.

And there was more. He promised he would never even try two-stepping or line dancing. He said “If dancing is important to you, I will disappoint you.” He absolutely loathed everything about country and Western culture. The fashion, the music. He complained that cowboys only reinforced “toxic masculinity” and “Alpha males.” He said he could do a little slow dancing, but that’s it. I was shocked to find THAT was important to me! In the year since I’ve moved back to Kansas, I’ve been quite the slow learner on the dance floor– but I still get out there and have fun with my friends. I try, and they are good sports and lead me and show me the steps and just laugh and appreciate that I try at all. It’s something our group of friends does on the regular. I imagined giving that up to spend time with him. I imagined him going out with us, but not dancing with me– and that he would just be bored anyway. I’ve been in a relationship before with a non-dancer. I was miserable. I’m the type of woman who dances till I’m out of breath at weddings.

Dancing as a requirement may seem trivial. But it’s a deeper issue. I want someone with enough confidence to go out there and make a fool of himself to amuse his friends. Who just wants to have fun and doesn’t care if he’s “good” at it or not. Who find dancing romantic and would think nothing of grabbing me and pulling me close to make me laugh and show his affection toward me. Who sees that dancing is a wonderful way to connect with people and spend time together– you get to know people better out there! People change on the dance floor. They lose their inhibitions. They flirt. They fall down. We help each other back up. We shout out lyrics. We dance badly– and laugh about it together. We take lots of selfies and group pictures! Dancing together is a casual and instant way to bond with someone. It makes memories that you keep forever. Why else would this activity be the penultimate event of nearly every wedding?? Because it’s awesome. That’s why.

I thought because I was so “bad” at line dancing and two-stepping, that I didn’t care about it much. But now I resolve to dance more, dance with more partners, so that I can learn and become more confident myself. Luckily the male friends in our posse are all pretty strong leaders and happy to be patient with rhythm-challenged dancers like me. It’s very difficult for me to pick up choreographed steps– I need A LOT of repetition! I prefer to just let go and improvise. But I ADORE country music, country life, and I even have a pink cowgirl hat. That’s a big part of why I moved to Kansas at all. My family are farmers, hello!! I’m not just a cradle Catholic anymore. I’m now a legit Kansas woman who appreciates that, as Kip Moore sings, “There’s Something ‘Bout a Truck.”

He hated selfies and taking pictures.  He would never karaoke. He felt disdain for social media– “It’s not real,” he said. Sure, it’s kind of dumb. But it’s also FUN. Why such a sourpuss? I like sharing my life and taking pictures of my friends and yes, myself! It organizes my social network. I did delete my facebook account for two months in 2012. But I went back after two months— because I realized I had nothing to prove and it was okay if I enjoyed it.

I just felt like someone let the air out of my balloon. So I told him it won’t work tonight. He was a bit arrogant, but wished me well. I did, too. And now I feel better.

I’m in no rush. I’m nearly 40.

I’m DONE trying to force a relationship. The good ones I’ve enjoyed have happened easily. The chemistry is as strong as the friendship. We fall together. We evolve.

And it will happen again when the time is right. Until then, I’ll go on dates sometimes. But it’s not a major priority.

I’m living my life. I’m honestly happy for the most part. I’m excited about 2020!

A Baptism for Liam, an Epiphany for Me

I’ve been to Baptisms before, but today’s was special because it showed me something important about myself as well as celebrating the new faith of my friends’ first child.

It showed me that I do want a family life and I do want a Catholic marriage.

My friends Jenni and Ryan celebrated their first child, Liam. He was born on Ash Wednesday into an Irish Catholic family! They have been close friends of mine since high school, when all three of us went to youth group together. They’ve never missed a birthday of mine! They are both responsible but are silly enough to keep each other laughing, too.

Being there with our other mutual friends– also from youth group– was wonderful. They all have families now, and their kids were playing together in the back yard. I’ve seen them all be pregnant. I’ve been to their weddings and showers. I just felt so grounded and comfortable today with all of them.

A statue of the Blessed Mother was in the left corner of the yard and I found her presence very comforting. I found out it was passed down from someone in their family. My own Godmother has a similar one in her front yard. I’ve always hoped that one day when I hopefully own a home I will have one as well.

I spent the afternoon just catching up with our friends, getting to know both their families better, taking pictures and eating great food! It was wonderful to see them together as parents as well, knowing they prayed and planned for this blessing in their lives. They both have this wonderful, relaxed glow about them. And a big reason for that is their marriage is grounded in a strong friendship and shared Catholic faith.

If I’ve had doubts about whether religion is truly a deal-breaker for me in a relationship, today they were dissolved. Jenni has always been my voice of reason, reminding me that it’s not an unreasonable expectation and showing me that it’s possible in her own marriage. I’ve dated enough Atheists and people who profess no faith. They were all good men but there was definitely something elemental missing. I am unabashedly a woman of faith.

And the highlight of the day? Of course, it was holding Liam. He was so calm and cuddly. He felt comfortable with me and I got to take a few pictures with him. And for me, holding a baby is so natural and it just makes my day. To know this little being trusts you enough to relax and let you hold them is such a good feeling.

I will know when I’m in the right relationship and I’m genuinely happy single for the time being.

I’ve almost renounced my faith in the past because I wanted so much to be compatible with a man who was not religious. I am more confident now and will not compromise my religion again for the sake of being in a relationship. Now I recognize my faith is not only fundamental to my my identity, but my happiness.

If Someone Prays for You, or Wants to

it means we *care*.

It’s not an insult.

So many people seem to be offended if I mention that.

Now I sometimes ask, “Would you mind if I said a prayer for you?” Atheists are sensitive about it.

If someone wants to pray for you, please take it as a gesture of goodwill and friendship.

It doesn’t mean we’re trying to convert you, or that we think you need “saving.”

It just means you’re important to us, or if we just met you, that you did or said something that touched us.

It means that we’re thankful for you.

That we want to remember you.

And I Added Mary, and Found an Onyx Surprise

As I’ve said before, I frequently wear a gold cross necklace.

But I’ve noticed this year that most Catholics also wear a medal of some sort– a saint, or the Blessed Mother.

I was sorting through my jewelry box, when I realized I had a small felt bag filled with crosses.

Sorting through it, I found five silver cross charms, interchangeable for different necklaces. One angel charm. Silver charms of St. Michael, St. Luke, and St. Catherine of Siena, and one of the Blessed Mother. A silver pendant of St. Christopher.

And one gold charm, of the Blessed Mother.

Coincidence? I think not. I threaded it onto my gold chain, along with the gold cross.

The medal of Mary compliments the gold cross perfectly. As if they were meant to be worn together.

I just pray the clasp doesn’t break– it may need to be reinforced a bit.

But adding Mary makes me feel stronger. Calmer.

And on the same day, I also found something else I was wondering about. I have a box full of Catholic pamphlets, prayer devotion books, icon cards, prayer cards, and rosaries. A cross I bought, but haven’t yet put up. It’s made in Mexico and has sunflowers painted on it, beautiful. Reminds me of my home state, Kansas.

I found a silver necklace with a beautiful silver and onyx cross charm on it.

I used to wear it all the time, but couldn’t remember what happened to it.

That beautiful onyx charm was actually given to me by an Atheist friend.  She herself didn’t believe, but she knew I did.

And I’ve cherished it ever since. Recently, we’ve reconnected after a few years of having lost touch.

She’s a thoughtful, hilarious and brilliant woman that I admire very much. And I love that just after reconnecting with her, I found the same cross that she gave to me years ago.

God works in ways that always delight me. I love the surprises of His will.