It’s more than hard.
I’m realizing that it’s a constant series of injuries and disappointments. They’re small, so you can do deal with it. But for me, anyway, it’s regular. And that constant– it breaks your heart a little.
And then fleeting moments of unexpected success where you surpass your own humble expectations. Those moments, those ENDORPHINS, make you feel more than human.
They make you feel better than you knew it was possible for you. Flabbergasted.
In those moments, you’re so confident and positive.
That’s when you dare to dream your new goals : to increase your distance, to PR.
That’s when you sign up for races.
This year since February has been extremely humbling to me.
I know now that I’m cleared by a respectable orthopaedist specializing in knees to keep training. My knees are healthy, I felt no pain when they rotated them. Four x-rays showed no bone spurs and plenty of open spaces– a wonderful thing.
He answered my question on the difference between normal discomfort and real pain that requires stopping a run or calling it a rest day, or a longer break from running.
He told me to start cross-training. Because what had caused my fall was what I expected: my right knee over-compensated for my left, and the knee gave out. He said if I start strengthening the muscles, it’ll be less likely to happen again. That I’ll be able to run longer distances.
So I renewed my health club membership, and I began cross-training last night.
I swam. And I felt free. I felt strong.
I felt proud, walking in my bikini. I could feel people looking at me. I felt voluptuous and strong simultaneously. Like Wendy Peffercorn, dammit! Amazing.
I swam forty minutes.
I’m doing what I can. I plan to invest in some goggles and a better suit.
I plan to start going to classes at my health club– maybe power lifting.
I want to to do this the right way. I want to be well-rounded in my exercise.
But today I got a blister on my second toe, underneath. Because of flip-flops. And it hurts to walk and I’m not tough enough to run on it yet. I did an Out of the Darkness walk on behalf of my friend Andi. That was my exercise today.
But later on I did put my running shoes through the washer and dryer.
Despite all these “surprises” and the recovery times and setbacks…
I still want this.
I can only pray that with time, my injuries will be less. My recovery time faster. My mileage higher and my pace quicker.
Because maybe what hooks us to running is the magical ability we gain to learn about about our bodies and their limits.
Running teaches us to be aware and to heal ourselves. To persevere.
I was supposed to go to a friend’s celebration of graduation from her doctoral program tonight. I brought my dress to change into after the walking event.
But instead, I came home. I washed the dirt off my blister. I cleaned it up, disinfected it, but Neosporin and a bandage on it.
I took care of my foot, because my feet are important to me. And then I texted my friend and told her I wouldn’t make it tonight– she understood. And it was just too HOT. I wasn’t up to driving 80 miles round-trip and meeting new people tonight. I just wanted to stay home and rest.
My body told me to pay attention today and I did.
So I’m getting smarter. I knew better than to ignore the pain and continue on.
Pain is a signal to stop and rest, to evaluate where it’s coming from and why.
So today I chose to pay attention to my body and that makes me feel responsible.
And now I can sleep deeply, knowing that I still have dreams to run.