Right now I’m wondering what happened to that “fun” spark I used to radiate.
Where the hell did you go?
Oh yeah! Adulthood. Money. Obligations. Work. “The Plan.”
I used to radiate. The party started when I got there. My friends couldn’t wait to see what I’d wear, who I might flirt with, what I might do. I thrived in big groups. At weddings (I still am!) usually the first one on the dance floor, and the last to leave. I only sat down to catch my breath, drink a bit of water, and maybe talk with people. I didn’t care where I was going– only that I enjoyed myself. People flocked to me. I loved parties!
I didn’t need anything to have fun. I didn’t need beer, weed, a date, or anything else to relax. I never have. People envied that about me, and they still do.
I’m not going to apologize for it! I didn’t need to be in a “fun” setting, I didn’t need people I felt comfortable with, I didn’t need to be dressed a certain way. I didn’t need money. I didn’t need to break the law. (Okay, maybe traffic laws!) I used to love driving fast. I still do, when I can get away with it.
I realize now that some people put me down because they didn’t like my light. They were jealous.
They put down my ideas, and I believed them. Not anymore.
I’m not buying into those lies. If people want to hate me, they can go ahead.
I’m not going to worry about it.
I can have fun going to the post office. I can have fun in my ugliest clothes, with no make-up. Alone!
Doesn’t matter the weather. I’ll find something to be excited about. Some people find that annoying– that happiness. But that’s their problem! Others can have everything possible, and still find something to make them miserable. No matter what they’ve got going, they’re determined to be pissed off about something.
It snowed today. That makes me downright delighted!
Being FUN is a skill, like anything else. I’ve got it.
I feel sure that I can find a great job, make the money I need, and make all my dreams come true.
All in time. The key is patience.
It seems the pilot light of my fun spark was out for awhile. Time for me to reignite it! Yes, I’ve got plans and goals. But that doesn’t mean I have to wither away until I get everything exactly the way I want it. Because, as I’ve discovered, things are always changing. Something will break, or go wrong. People will cancel, betray you, die. You can sit around and be terrified, trying to control the world out of fear, or you can embrace your freedom and ENJOY the moments you have.
Learn to roll with it. Make adjustments.
Because who knows how long we’ve got on this Earth? I don’t! It may be another 50 years, or 10 years. I’m glad I don’t know the future. But I’m not going to sit around like some old lady, but because the majority of my friends are married with kids now. We have to coordinate everything weeks in advance.
But not all my friends are married. And I’m good at making friends. I can just ask new people to hang out.
I can conduct a job search and organize my place and purge my things and save money too. And still have fun.
So that’s my new thing. I’m going to let FUN back into my life. Because seriously, that’s what’s missing. That’s what has been a damper on my life.
I’ve learned that if you expect others to build you up, you’re sure to be disappointed. Don’t wait for that– compliment yourself! I’ve been put down and criticized all my life. But I don’t need to internalize that. Some people are insecure and so they put everyone else down. They will never compliment you. They hate themselves and need to feel superior. You will never please these people. Accept it and move on. Maybe one day they’ll decide to quit brooding and join the party. Maybe they’ll see how much fun YOU are having and want to join in.
But you gotta bring your OWN fun.
I need LESS solitude, and more people. More socializing. I’ll have fun and network and deal with things when they happen to me. That’s how I know I’m getting more confident! I’m not so obsessed with planning, I’m more flexible.
I was so good in my Twenties about revolving my life around fun. Why do we feel that’s something that merits an apology? Because society conditions us to buckle down, be logical, and behave ourselves. To settle down, prioritize, and plan ahead.
Sure, I can do those things. But that doesn’t mean I need to sacrifice my whimsy entirely. Feelings matter too!
And I laughed so easily, without abandon. A good throaty laugh. I’m known for it. The kind of cackle that precedes me– even if it someone didn’t know I was in a building, they’d hear my cackle and say, “Amee’s here!”
And they’d come and find me. And I’d crack a joke and make them laugh, too.
I’m re-claiming that woman. She’s not gone!
I may be grown up, but I’m not old.