Tonight I learned I need to focus on physical discipline.
Specifically, building my strength and endurance.
I’ve certainly got plenty of spiritual discipline.
But in class tonight, we did a drill where we had to do push-ups, mountain-climbs (sprinting in a push-up position, basically) and then drills on the bag with our hands and knees.
I got in position but could barely go down. I bent my elbows just the slightest amount. It was mortifying.
“Push-ups go down to the mat,” my instructor said.
“I’m weak,” I countered.
“That’s a good way to stay that way,” he said.
And I respected him for that. Am I going to just accept this about myself? NO.
I AM the runt in the class. And I’m going to use that prove that I’ve got the most heart.
I always attract strong, powerful men with a lot of intelligence. I’ve dated a MARINE. He told me several times how much I intimidated him. He was an officer.
I’m going to start re-directing my power toward MYSELF, rather than attracting others. Stop looking around me for validation and protection.
This class is total cognitive dissonance, because as a Catholic and a Christian, I’ve lived my life with the philosophy of being open. If someone attacks you, you back down. You’re deferential. You forgive.
But life is not forgiving. Life is brutal. It’s a war out there– you have to fight for everything.
Being fit and healthy is my first line of defense.
Tonight my instructor reminded us that it doesn’t MATTER if we’re tired or weak, we need to keep fighting.
“Until the threat is gone,” he said.
And this can be applied to anything.
I’m going to stop babying myself, which I am definitely guilty of doing.
A few times between exercises, he offered us a water break. I decided not to go the last few times. I felt good about it. I was fine. I didn’t need water.
I’m stronger every time.
I asked one of the other women about push-ups– what’s a good number to start with for me? She told me at one point she could do 63 in a minute. She told me to just do what I can and build from there.
Leaving, I told my instructor I’m working on my push-ups.
“I’m not doing the girl push-ups,” I said.