Week three of self-defense, second class.
This is definitely working.
I worked with the same two women today as partners, and again, we were a great trio.
I nicknamed us “Snap, Crackle, Pop,” because today we worked on moves involving the wrists– and one time I did it on my partner I heard a “pop!” It was her elbow. No big though, she smiled and we tried it again.
Because we trust each other, we’re learning better.
I’m learning things faster. I’m getting free faster and taking my partners down faster.
I told them to do the moves with force, to make it a real battle. Ihey appreciated that and we challenged each other better that way. Then when we took our partner down and broke free, we knew we had earned it.
My personality is changing in a good way. It’s also part psychology, because we’re learning about the way bullies and predators think– how to spot them and out-smart them.
I’m letting go of the need to be “nice.” I’m not caring if I’m pretty.
My guard is up and my street smarts are developing. My instincts about people are usually right, I’m learning.
I’m trusting my gut more.
It doesn’t hurt as much when we practice. I’m getting a little tougher each time.
While we were in class, I had memories of times my male “friends” picked me up because I’m small and they thought it was funny. I remember being in youth group once, and I don’t know exactly what happened, but someone had their arms around my waist and was holding me up. He wouldn’t put me down. When I said to put me down, he laughed, along with others.
So I twisted around and wriggled free– I think I may have backed myself up against a wall and slid down to get away. They thought I was “feisty,” and were impressed. Back then, I laughed along with them. I learned that night that I’m good at improvising and getting free if needed. But I was naive then. That behavior is not okay.
When you’re petite, everyone likes you. But they also treat you like a child, or some adorable puppy. Even when you’re angry, they think it’s “cute.” They make a lot of jokes about your height, they give you a lot of nicknames, they’ll come up to you and put their elbows on your head, like you’re their personal elbow rest.
There is a lot of attention focused on your body type, and it gets overwhelming.
I used to just go along with it. Now I don’t find it funny anymore.
And it’s not harmless. I also have a hearing-loss, so sometimes people make jokes in front of me that they think I don’t hear. I don’t respond to everything, but I hear more than people think.
My hearing-aids had been broken but today they were fixed and I picked them up. I was worried they would fall out, but they stayed in the entire class– even when we worked with headlocks.
They’re comfortable and I could hear better with them in.
I am strong. I am smart. I am unrelenting.