So I guess unblocking my facebook is already having a positive karmic effect!
One of those on the list was an ex from 2011– and actually, one of the reasons I started this blog. He was the last person I dated before deciding, “Forget it! I have no idea what I’m doing with men. Time to take a sabbatical.” I then gave up dating and karaoke for Lent 2011, because they went together since I always met guys while I was out singing karaoke and I went all the time. I started this blog to hold myself accountable– if I couldn’t blog it, I knew i wouldn’t do it.
He had broken up with me over e-mail, shortly after we made it official. I hadn’t even had time to change my status! It was a brief relationship.
Back then I hadn’t responded to his e-mail– I just stonewalled him. That was my old defense mechanism. I always told myself that I was actually being “a good Christian woman,” since it was better not to speak anything angry or hurtful. But truly, it was the coward’s solution. I didn’t have the strength to admit my vulnerability– so I threw up a wall of anger via silence. And it only made them more hurt– and usually THAT is what ultimately severed any possibility of reconciliation or leaving things on “good terms.” ‘
Back then, that’s what I wanted. I wanted things simple– done, with no possibility of return. No possibility of further hurt.
That was my deluded idea of being a “good Christian woman.” Except that does not work at ALL. Theoretically I was deciding to just “let it go.” Except I never DID let it go– my resentment just stewed. I felt spineless for not standing up for myself and being honest about my feelings. And when he replied this time, I impulsively let him have it. Then I blocked him, so he couldn’t respond.
But then I realized I had also withheld the possibility of a GOOD reply from him– and of forgiveness for both of us. And I knew that wasn’t right. I knew I was afraid of the possibility of forgiveness as much as I was that he would also be angry.
About five days later, I felt terrible and wrote him once more, saying that I hadn’t handled that well and I should have just admitted I was hurt rather than being so hostile. That I had liked him a lot and chosen him over someone else I also liked, because I thought he was serious about a relationship.
That’s when I wrote THIS post.
Not even 24 hours later, he actually REPLIED and gave me a very sincere apology.
It’s refreshing. I told him about the blog and he said he had found it online before and was impressed. I thanked him and invited him to follow it. I even told him that he had a role in its inception, and he wasn’t even offended! He wished me well.
I told him he ultimately made the right decision about ending the relationship, even if it stung. We just weren’t compatible. I thanked him for his honesty and told him he was forgiven. I asked him to forgive me as well. He may not reply, and maybe that’s all there is to it.
Regardless, I’m really proud of myself for breaking my cycle of intractable “all or nothing” stance on exes, and admitting my own immaturity and fault as well. I forfeited “the upper hand,” and look what happened! We both acknowledged our fault. We connected as two human beings who made mistakes and wanted to make amends. The bitterness is dissolved. The hurt is forgiven.
It feels amazing, to open myself to the possibility of forgiveness.
I’m going to challenge myself to trust myself– and others– as policy now. I’m just going to say what I feel– tactfully.
But this makes me wonder, maybe I should take the risk he did. Maybe some of my exes don’t hate me as much as I assume– time does heal.
It would at least feel good to make the effort, even if friendship isn’t possible.
If I achieved mutual forgiveness with an ex today, that makes me hopeful that my next relationship will be better.
My communication is healthier already.