Since my last post, I’ve gotten more involved with a church that I love. God has lifted up my heart, and showed me that there is more to me than just being a writer. That I can help others by being of service, with humility. I’ve been happier.
It’s been six months since I quit my column, and I don’t miss it at all.
And I’ve been so much happier without blogging, as well.
Especially about being single. Not my best idea!
I began this blog on a impulse, and I followed it too long. Writing continually from the perspective of a single woman has– surprise!- kept me single. When you’re constantly saying, “I LOVE BEING SINGLE!” it doesn’t send the most inviting message. All the posts I wrote about feeling hopeful and content were true at the time.
But also, writing is the deepest reflection of my intelligence and the essence of me.
“Above all, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
And I think that writing has made it too easy for me to deal with being single, if that makes sense. I can’t change the past and the information I’ve already shared– it’s out there, even if I delete the archives. It’s been read. People know it about me. But I’m not the woman I was when I started this blog.
Now I’m someone who is strong enough to admit to vulnerability. To know when to say , “When.”
And I want to keep my heart for myself– not my subscribers or fans. Someday I hope to share it again exclusively, in a relationship. I’d like to even become a wife and mother if I’m lucky. Gasp! Even Feminists want to fall in love again. When I do meet someone next, I don’t want to have to worry again about how to continue this blog while getting to know someone. And I don’t want to become one of those bloggers who writes about the transition into commitment and monogamy.
If nothing else, I’ve learned that relationships are tenuous enough without having to balance a blog along with it.
When I write next, I want it be for the good of others. But for now, the best thing for my heart is to stop blogging and take a break.
But also I realized my identity is not inextricable with writing. Just like this blog does not define me. There are a lot of things I also love doing! I’ve tried a few this spring since I was honestly trying to figure out ways to keep this blog going without talking about myself so much– to focus on other things.
I’m learning to re-direct my emotional energy to people in real time, not to a page when I’m alone and have perfect control.
Now I’m not worrying about a future novel, my next post, what readers will think of my intelligence or if everything is correct.
I validate myself.
By not writing it down, I validate it by living it in that moment.
If He calls me to write again, I will answer. But this blog is done and I don’t need writing the way I did when I began it.
I don’t want the people who have lovingly supported my dreams to feel like characters in my narrative– they are fabric of my soul, the story itself. I don’t want to leave them to run to a computer screen any longer and reiterate what just happened, reporting on my life.
I’m sorry to those who have felt distance from me because of my preoccupation with my past column, this blog, or any other writing I’ve done. I’m trying to do better, and your patience is something I cherish. To those who supported my writing, past and present, you are a fact of my heart.
And to the men who dared to love a writer, God bless you. I know it’s scary.
The greatest stories of my life are the ones I will not share– but guard with vigilance. From now on, I’ll know better.
I want my life to be a conversation, not a monologue.
I’m giving myself a fresh start, living in the white space.