When I try to write in Word, it doesn’t feel right. I’m always editing and revising– I get stuck.
With blogging, something magic happens. I have a live audience. This gives me whatever adrenaline I need to hit “Publish Post” and go for it.
I wonder if I’m too impulsive to submit my work anywhere else? I like that immediate gratification. With blogging, I don’t have to worry if anyone will want to print it. Bam– it’s out there. And just as impulsively, I have often deleted my posts– usually when they’re particularly vulnerable. I’m smart enough to know that they’re never “erased”– everything on the internet is permanent.
But I suppose sometimes I need the illusion that I can “take back” my words if I feel it’s needed. I don’t think I could sit down and write a novel. It would probably just obsess over it and never submit it anywhere. Yet I could imagine blogging indefinitely…. it’s comfortable for me. I like the format.
Yet I wonder, what would happen if I just published everything I wanted to submit somewhere else on my blog?
Poetry, the details I’m holding back?
From what I understand, publishing on a site like this might void me from “official” publication. But so what? I’ve got a good thing going here.
I’ve got two years invested. Why bail now? Shouldn’t my blog be worth more on its own?
Doesn’t every artist essentially create because they love it?
My blog was good enough for me to get a newspaper column– I didn’t even submit any clips. Just hyperlinks from my blog. I quit that column on my own terms, but was given an open invitation to come back at any time. I’ve had readers write me recently and one even found me on facebook because of it.
There are many reasons I could list for not going whole-hog with this blog. Hee! Sorry, the alliteration was too tempting.
I guess it all comes down to fear.
1. Money– it’s not making me money. (Yet.)
2. There are no medical benefits for blogging. And I really need them.
3. To obtain said medical benefits, I’ve always had to get them from a large company through a corporate job.
4. Every post and every byline makes me fear (with good reason) I have less chance of getting another job with higher pay at a large corporate company.
5. Committing to this blog would unofficially make feel like I’m self-employed. I’d have no idea when I might see a return–if ever– on what might be a steep and irrevocable business risk.
6. I want my parents’ approval and they are great people, but they don’t “get” this blog. Nor do they endorse the creative life at all. I’ve grown up believing it’s just not something you do for real money. The only way to write for money (in their eyes) is to be a journalist, technical writing involving corporate companies or ad copy, or to write a novel. Poetry and blogging are not on that list.
7. I just don’t want to share myself with the world so intimately. I’m afraid. I want to turn back and get a regular job and live a regular life. But my name is already all over Google. This blog is as well. It’s linked in other posts. Is too late? Would it accomplish anything to stop blogging now?
Every time I want to quit, something else happens that makes me want to blog! Or someone else “likes” a post– and I’m getting more comments and followers lately in the past few months than I have for the first entire two years of this blog. I’m onto some sort of groove.
Lately I’m coming into more self-acceptance, and that makes me more comfortable writing.
Another sleepless night! One more blog post.
How many more? Nobody knows. 🙂