This blog has been a chronicle of my single life, and my Lenten endeavors. This year I’m basically apathetic about Lent.
Blogging is fun. But it’s ultimately unsatisfying for me. I grew up writing poems. I was lucky to get a couple poems published in college in my school literary journals. I wrote as an intern, a staff writer and then a columnist for daily newspapers. I like more exposure.
I’ve had this blog for not quite two years– and it hasn’t taken off like I’d imagined. I could have promoted it in my column, but chose not to. I’m proud that I put my name on it. A few times, I’ve gotten mentioned in other blogs. But ultimately, I never found a focus for it.
I used to think I didn’t want fame. I didn’t want to be known.
But I’m beginning to change my mind.
Yes, fame is awful. But authors and writers don’t become famous the way the Kardashians do. If so, it’s because they promote themselves relentlessly on TV, cross over into other media, or have very active Twitter feeds. Or they use writing as a springboard to become a celebrity, and never cared much about the writing itself. Columnists become famous. Journalists. But authors? Not as much. I’ve met a few who have been writing for years– they usually toil in obscurity, but keep writing because they love it. Once in awhile, they get a break and ride that wave.
And I admit, my column got me a bit hooked. I loved knowing the people who didn’t like me in high school and my exes opened up the paper and saw my mug shot. Even if that particular column wasn’t so great– it was still an achievement. I was so quiet as a teen. I never said much. I never stood up for myself. A lot of times, I still don’t.
Writing is my bullhorn. It’s my right hook.
Writing is the voice that God gave me. Why else would I have it if not to speak up??
Also, I notice my blogs are often too long and don’t get a lot of comments. I know I don’t always reply! Before I delete this blog, I’m going to try and reply to all the comments I’ve gotten. It’s the least I could do. The most popular ones tend to be around 750 words, but my average post is usually closer to 1300. I just have too much to say! I just love talking too much. I’m too verbose for blogging!
I’ve mainly put off writing because I felt I had nothing to write about. But the last six years alone have given me PLENTY of experience, heartbreak, and fuel. I thought I was too young to start anything. That if was meant to write something, I’d do later in life. But now I just feel like I’m wasting time. What if I die before I finish anything? You never know!
My father is already 70, Diane 71. I don’t know if I’ll ever marry or have children, but I’d love to do something in his lifetime to really make him proud. I think the main reason that I kept my column as long as I did is because my father honestly just loved it so much. My step-mother would cut them out and mail them to relatives too, that made me feel fantastic.
I loved hearing my father say, “My daughter writes for the paper.”
Maybe I’m single so I can write. Maybe that’s what all this solitude is about! All these lessons. Maybe my legacy won’t be children, but a life set forth in the printed word. And then I can live forever.
Maybe I’ll write scandalous poems. Maybe I’ll try some slam poetry. Maybe a memoir. Maybe some fiction!
I used to worry about offending people. My parents are Republican! But offending people can be really, really fun. Not in an insane, Ann Coulter kind of way. But in a Sharon Olds kind of way. In a Vonnegut kind of way. In a Prince kind of way!
Either way, I don’t have many blogs left in me. I may keep it going until March 17– which will be my 2nd Anniversary of Unrelenting Amee! That would be some wonderful symmetry. But I’m impulsive, and once I finally decide to be done with something, there’s no going back.
When I end this one, I will not be starting another to replace it.
If if I ever do, it will be something focused, professional. Someplace to showcase a body of work and promote myself. Sometime in the future. This was just a playground where I enjoyed seeing how high I could swing, kicking my feet in the breeze. I can drop in here when I feel like it, but there’s never been a schedule.
I’m changing my life, making it more structured. And a big part of that is going to be writing. I’ve been saying for years I’d do it. But now, I’m ready to do it.
I’m reading Julia Cameron’s “The Right to Write,” and it’s definitely getting through to me.
Blogging lets me cave in to impulsive publishing.
Deleting this blog will help me become disciplined, and reignite my hunger to publish. Force me to submit.