Why I’ve Retired “The List” and Stopped “Looking.”


This year, everybody’s been on me about my “List” and what I’m looking for in a relationship. Others tell me, “Stop looking!”

I thought I HAD stopped looking. But now I see that I hadn’t understood what that truly meant. I was still trying too hard. I even tried to go back to relationships that were over–thinking that circumstances had changed, and this time it would be different.

But once you break up once, it’s never the same. Maybe it works for others, but it hasn’t worked for me.

In my Twenties, I was Queen of  The List! And I found what was on it– a several times.

And hey, still single! What does that prove? It proves that we find what we’re looking for, and that sometimes what we think we want is not what we actually need.

The truth, nothing about love is logical or adheres to a list we constructed while we were single. I think the only purpose of The List is to give us a sense of control when we feel uncertain that we’re going to find someone wonderful.

I love that line from “500 Days of Summer,” when Summer tells Tom what was different about the man she married:

“Summer: I just… I just woke up one day and I knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: What I was never sure of when I was with you.”

It’s not a cruel thing to say– it’s the truth.

I think the difference in actual, mature love is just that: a sense of security. You trust each other, and the question is not IF you should be together– but only how you will overcome obstacles–together.  I’ve seen the change in people close to me once they find a a partner who is compatible with them– and the struggle over “If” is never there. Only how.

I think the right partner makes you feel secure, rather than anxious. You want the same thing, and you know that. So you’re free to just get to know each other and enjoy it.

And when that time comes for me, I’ll know. But until then?

For the first time, I don’t feel this need to “find” someone anymore. I’ve tried that.

Like Diana Ross said, “You can’t hurry love.”


15 comments on “Why I’ve Retired “The List” and Stopped “Looking.”

  1. Love comes knocking when you least expect it.

  2. polkadotdog says:

    A very enlightened post. I hope you find what your not looking for.

  3. mancuso79 says:

    Thank you Amee.

  4. Sharon | 365DaysOfUsBlog says:

    I agree. The best things happen when you least expect it. Live life and enjoy every moment and love will find you when the time is right 🙂

  5. godiva2020 says:

    Love it. I’m so proud. It’s one of the most difficult things to do in life, I feel. Definitely easier said than done. It’s like meditation….it’ll happen once you just let go. Everyone I know who has been married for 15+ years says the same exact thing.

    • Thanks, Godiva. That helps a lot. I need to work on meditating too, so maybe learning to meditate/pray will help me relax and open a new door for me with love too. Ya never know! People who have been married +15 years are people worth listening to, thanks for telling me that.

  6. I think you’ve got it! I didn’t find true love until I stopped “picking” and was “chosen”. My picker was broken–I never got it right! Now, looking back, I’d never have even considered my husband–he is all good–responsible, trustworthy, honest, kind, loving, hardworking–I could go on & on. Funny how these are not the qualities I would choose. By nature, I like a challenge–immature, emotionally unavailable, addicts, bad boys–fixer uppers, if you will, & I did a lot of it until I learned you can’t by force make someone into what you want them to be. Just relax, be involved in things you like, and it’ll happen! You are a delightful, breath-of-fresh-air lady–how could it not?

    • Sheri, I’m trying– but it’s harder than I thought! I’m trying to be strong. A nurse once told me the same thing about how her “picker” was “broken.” I hear that again and again! I’m glad you were “chosen” by a keeper– your husband. 🙂 I’ve had enough “challenge”– sheesh! I know, I was drinking the Bad Boy Kool-Aid too. Is it too much to ask that a guy just say what he means? Even if he doesn’t say it in the most exciting way– or even grammatically correct. As long as I can understand it– that’s the important thing.

      Thanks, I need the encouragement! I’m trying to hang in there. 🙂

  7. Brooke Skeen says:

    i’ve found that when you focus the energy you used to spend “looking” on doing positive things to/for yourself, that seems to guide other people to “look” your direction with an interested eye… and the added fun side effect is you feel even better about yourself for the positive things you’ve done and the positive attention that comes with it, instead of second guessing yourself the way we tend to do when we’re the “lookers.” enjoy your “not looking,” i find it to be a blast 🙂

    • Brooke, that’s what I always hear! Instead of “looking” for the right person– BE the right person. Does it work? I guess we’ll find out! I’m glad you’re enjoying it so much– that gives me a lot of hope! I’m getting somewhere with it, I think. And I think that men need to man up and do the chasing– I’m old-fashioned in that way. Here’s to having fun and positive changes in ourselves! 🙂

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