Priorities and Running

Happy Easter!

I’ve run four miles in the past 24 hours and I feel great already.

Sadly, I admit shelving running since November. My last real attempt was December 12, at 1.28 miles– which counts. I made one attempt in February but it was less than a mile.  I try to get at least two miles.

I haven’t run a race since Nov. 8– the Hot Chocolate Run 5k in Chicago. I ran it for my birthday with two friends.

It’s been too cold,  I’ve been too tired– I just haven’t been up for it.

And not just that, I committed myself to so many things that running was the first thing to go so I could make time.

And that was my rookie mistake. As much as I enjoy being reliable and involved in my community, I also need to prioritize myself and what makes me feel good.

Now that it’s getting lighter and warmer, the excuses are gone!

I see now that having a race commitment motivates me to keep training between. I remember when I couldn’t even imagine running 3.1 miles in a 5k. I’ve done five now!

My longest runs have been 4.83 miles in July and 5.01 in August. I know it’s in me!

And more than six months ago, a friend invited me to run a FIVE MILE race in May.

I just registered online! It’s called the Cinco de Miler and is in Chicago.

I’ve got a goal. I’m gonna keep running until I can do five miles regularly.

And I’m promising myself that I won’t sacrifice my running again to make time to do things for other people.

Because although those commitments are important, so is my happiness. If I don’t make time for myself, no one else will do it for me.

And even though running is a pain in the calves, the accomplishment?

That makes me smile like a fool.

 

 

A Little Confession

Just had my first Confession in probably a year, after Stations of the Cross.

Usually, my Dad and I go together. It’s something that’s bonded us.

But this year we had different schedules. I went to our local cathedral instead.

I had hoped to get my parish priest, but I saw him leave just before Stations of the Cross began. Though a little bummed, I figured there was someone else meant to hear me today.

I reflected prior, but not a lot.

This year, it was different. I wasn’t berating myself with a list of things I’ve done wrong. I had no list, period.  I didn’t feel ashamed or desperate or angry at myself.

My confession was brief. I listed a few things, but mostly I just talked about those I love, and how I want to do right by them. Where I am in my spiritual life. What I’m seeking. And what I need/want from God.

I talked about wanting to be a better daughter.

About struggling to find a balance in my life with my choir/parish and other events that pop up spontaneously on those allotted times for choir and Mass. Feeling afraid that my parish will close, but continuing to belong/participate because that’s where my heart lies.

About how daunting it feels to be so focused on waiting for a relationship with another Catholic, but that this is something I feel that I both need and *deserve* in my life. I’ve sacrificed to adhere to that. It’s so important to me that if someone is another denomination, that’s a deal-breaker. I’ve endured a lot of criticism for that over the years, but most times I shrug it off. Pretty much everyone on either side of my family is who is married is married to another Catholic–happily. I know it’s possible!

But something I’ve realized is that I can’t stop being myself to accelerate finding a compatible relationship. I don’t smoke anything or drink, I don’t do drugs, I’m a Democrat, I’m Catholic. Those are core tenets of my identity. I’ve ended relationships to preserve those aspects in myself, because it’s essential for my own happiness and mental health.

And to my surprise, Father wasn’t punitive. He was patient. His voice was soft.

There was no recipe for salvation by reciting a certain number of prayers

Instead, we was affirmative. He basically told me to just keep doing what I’m doing– examining myself, pursuing my spiritual life, being aware and sensitive to what’s appropriate in my relationships.

I was given instant absolution. I wasn’t made to feel that my confession hadn’t been sufficient, even though I had completely blanked out on my Act of Contrition.

“I absolve you of your sins,”he said.

I didn’t have as dramatic as a reaction as I had in some other years– I didn’t cry.

I didn’t need to cry.

Confession was just an expression of my faith, a part of my spiritual routine.

And I smiled.

I felt like God was telling me, “You’re doing okay, kiddo.”

Not a Praying Man

That’s what he said, the man I called. Ahhh, Super Tuesday.

“I pray every day– and I’m *not a praying man- that Bernie wins.”

Tonight’s shift was monotonous. Leaving messages– I maybe talked to three people.

But one of my first calls was this man– and it reminded me of why I’m doing this.

He was so excited to participate in a live call for the campaign! I had called to ask about signing up for a volunteer shift this weekend. He’s busy but I asked if I could leave some info for his wife about a Women for Bernie phone bank locally tomorrow and he was eager to take a message. He said she probably would want to go!

Each phone bank shift is so different. Last night I called an older gentleman and asked if we could count on his vote for Senator Sanders on March 15 in the Illinois Primary.

“Absolutely not!!” I asked if he was leaning towards Clinton?

“I feel sorry for you,” he told me.

“Okay sir, you’re not a Democrat. Just glad you’re voting!”

I had to laugh. Those strong personalities make for great stories.

But I’ll keep on calling, like a good soldier. Bernie is working at full steam, and so will I.

My Bernie Journey

I just phone-banked for the second time this week in our new Joliet field office! I am SO stoked that there’s finally something happening in my hometown. The closest other events are between 20-45 miles and it’s just too dang cold for that.

Man, I love it.

Tonight I got a few answers and left a lot of messages. I was calling confirmed Bernie supporters trying to get them to come in and volunteer.

And I got a decent amount to sign up! Most people were excited I was calling. I answered some questions. I even got a few people to commit to specific shifts within the next couple weeks. I got e-mails, from people who wanted more info but were busy at that moment or unsure of when exactly they can work for us.

Tonight I called a woman who was getting married this weekend– and then will be honeymooning in Colorado–skiing!!– until March 15, the day of Illinois primary elections. We kept interrupting each other, so excited to talk about Bernie! I asked if she was marrying a Democrat and she admitted he was a Republican– that she was “working on” him. I laughed and said I’ve dated a few Republicans myself– it certainly makes for interesting conversation!

She joked that she was trying to convert him and if he doesn’t, “it may be a short marriage.” But clearly she’s smitten, I’m not worried about the state of their union.

I teased that in lieu of volunteering in a field office, she’ll be “working every day” with her her future-husband, and she got a GOOD laugh out of that!

I talked to people of all ages.

When I asked if they were voting Bernie in the primary, I often got an enthusiastic response and maybe a good-natured, “Feelin’ the Bern!”

And really, phone-banking brought out the best in me. I remembered that actually, I’m pretty outgoing and comfortable with myself. I connected with everyone who answered except for one who hung up on me right away. My sales background came in handy!

I have a passion for Bernie Sanders’ campaign and sharing that with people is exciting.

Towards the end, I made it a game. How many people can I call in the last nine minutes??

I filled out a sheet about shifts I will commit to working. The field office organizer said I did a good job signing up volunteers and gave me a bunch of extra shift sign-up sheets to pass out to friends. I’m going to make copies of those and just hand them out to people I see around town. Why not?!

How to be Happy

Tonight a last-minute movie invitation made my day!

After attending Stations of the Cross at my church for the second week, I was driving around aimlessly in my hometown. I didn’t feel like going home.

And at 6:55 p.m. my friend called and asked me to go see “How to be Single.” We usually make plans way in advance and it’s rare that she calls spontaneously– and I had been in the mood for a movie. My back-up plan was actually to just go to Family Video. Of course I enthusiastically accepted!

“When’s it start?” I asked.

“7:15,” she answered.

I had to laugh! Despite thinking I had no direction, I was headed directly toward the mall where it was playing.

I felt like God was ribbing me just a little.

I felt a profound sense of peace. He was steering.

And we met up inside the theatre and the only seats available were the handicapped seats in the middle– but no one was using them. So there were sat. I had gotten a hot green tea in the lobby, because I had run for the first time in about 2.5 months! I didn’t check , but I’m guessing it was about 45 or 50 degrees when I went running in only a thin hoodie, without a hat or gloves. I had gotten a little cough in that short time.

I made it .64 of a mile– uphill, in fierce wind! But I’m glad I did. Cold air was refreshing. My throat feels better, I’m not coughing.

My friend got popcorn and we passed it back and forth– with delicious butter!

I loved the movie so much that I honestly cried toward the end. Although there are certainly too many ensemble movies set in NYC about motley singles, this one was excellent.

After the movie we sat outside talking in her car for about an hour, catching up.

We’re both 35 and single. We’re both doing our thing and supportive of each other.

We talked about an upcoming 8k we planned months ago to run Cinco de Mayo weekend.

That’s five miles! Neither of us have done that before, but we’re gonna. Even though the shirts for the race are hideous!

It’s good to have a plan.

It was the perfect movie with a gal pal who I adore.

That’s my Friday night and now I’m going to bed early to sleep in tomorrow morning!

My life is pretty stellar.

 

 

 

 

Pretty in(tegrity) : Andie’s Choice

Since “Pretty in Pink,” is showing at my local mall, I took myself for Valentine’s Day. It’s the 30th anniversary– I went to the first of two showings.

If I’m single, I might as well be around a love story. It’s been years since I’ve watched this movie, though I played the soundtrack until the CD broke in my trunk one day. Neglected to put it back in the case.

I’m more impressed with Andie’s character than I’ve ever been. Girl’s got class.

Her life was rough, if you consider the big picture. Not only does she live in the bad side of town, but her depressed, creepy father only works part-time and mostly wears a short bathrobe around the house. Her mother deserted them both three years ago and Andie has clearly become her father’s care-taker. Their relationship is co-dependent and haunting.

In the first scene she is making him breakfast, waking him up, and encouraging him to just get out of bed for the day. Then she drives herself to school for a full day. Not only does he refuse to function as an adult, but his entire appearance seems resigned. Lots of wrinkles on his face, dark stubble. He always seems exhausted.

There’s something stony and untouchable in Andie. Edgy, even. She may dress in an openly romantic fashion, full of florals, skirts, and of course– pink. But she does not mask her hostility when it’s earned. She works after school. She has her own funky pink ride.

At school she encounters three men: Steff, Duckie, Blane. Steff is the hot, fashionable guy who is incapable of talking to her without a sneer and is hitting on her in a passive-aggressive way. Duckie is straight-up obsessed with her, to the point of fawning. He is her only male friend, and she appears to be his only friend, period. He’s cute, but annoying.

And then Blane enters the picture. He visits her at work and buys a record to talk to her. He’s clearly interested but ambivalent. Steff notices the flirtation with Andie and does his best to quash it. Steff puts her down and gives Blane the ultimatum of dating her or losing his friendship. Under peer pressure, Blane retreats– though he does sincerely like her.

I commend the film for a level of sophistication I missed previously. Andie and Blane have no time to casually date and enjoy what may be a burgeoning connection. This may be a high school film, but it’s a very real predicament that continues to translate 30 years later.

When beginning any new relationship, you are forced to choose sides. It may be your peer group or your family that has misgivings. At times we have a strong attraction to someone but no idea if it has a real future. The timing may be off, or you may seem too different.

Clearly, Andie chooses to be single. Both Steff and Duckie like her, even if they are awkward about it. She spotlights Blane’s cowardice.

Best of all, I like the scene where Blane ignores Andie’s phone calls over the weekend. Rather than trying to be the detached, laid-back girl, she waits by his locker and confronts him. Not only that, but first thing, before classes! And although she didn’t need to yell and did seem a bit crazy– she doesn’t hide her disappointment or humiliation. She lets him know that she cared about him.

“What about Prom, Blane?”

He can’t even look at her. He makes up an excuse– he asked another girl and forgot about it. Incensed, she walks away. She accepts the rejection.

The sad thing is, this type of awkwardness doesn’t end in high school. In adulthood, this kind of skittishness still persists. You either tango with it, or you recognize it and stride forward. You know that’s a sign that someone is insecure or not available, and that you demand more from the beginning of a relationship.

And goes to Prom anyway. Alone. She makes her own damn dress!

“I just want them to know they didn’t break me,” she tells her Dad. And by the end of the film, he does right by her. He gives her a dress. He knows it’s ugly but tells her he knows that she can make it something beautiful with her imagination and sewing skills

And of course, Duckie and Blane are attending solo as well.

But she didn’t require their support. She went to prove to herself that she could.

Andie has more guts than all three of her would-be suitors put together.

Like most others, I’m not particularly fond of the ending– she forgives Blane.

But at least he does step up and own his mistake, which takes character.

This year I’m single, and that’s okay. I found a beautiful red poet’s blouse with ruffles, even if it’s not my design. I bought it and wore it today. Red is a color I rarely wear, but I should!

It’s energizing.

It takes guts to stand single. To march forward into the unknown, not knowing when you’ll find a relationship but believing it will happen again.

And that it will surpass anything in your history.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

A Lesson in Self-respect

Recently, I had the chance to get to know a single man. Attractive.

We went out for dinner, but it wasn’t a “date,” according to him.

I rolled with it. I laughed.

Talking with him was so easy!

We told each other things– asked questions, silly and deep.

Discovered common interests and made up inside jokes.

And the best of all– the phone calls.

He actually liked talking on the phone.

Without my asking, he called me. Regularly.

He sent me a friend request, but I didn’t add him. I wanted to see where it went first.

See if we were actually compatible.

There was one conversation where we could barely hang up, we were so giddy.

But from that “non-date” dinner, he was also honest.

He is recovering from a pretty intense break-up. They still talk.

I make clean breaks with my exes.

And I was able to stop myself.

My heart said, “What are you doing? This can’t go anywhere.”

And I knew it was right.

But I learned something wonderful.

I don’t want to be friends with him

I want a date to be called a date, from the beginning.

And I deserve it.

And so I made the decision, rather than passively waiting it out.

I told him that I’m looking for a relationship, and he’s clearly not available for that.

I wished him luck, told him goodbye.

He accepted my decision.

And I felt immediately peaceful.

And it’s not like a closed a door. Instead, I accepted that the door was *not open* at all.

I decided not to wait by a closed door, hoping it will change.

And now I am walking forward.

Available for the time when a door will open to me.

Fully open, only for me.